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As I look back on 2023, it was a year of breaking, molding, vulnerability & healing. God broke me all the way down this year to reposition me for my purpose. I met the most broken version of myself this year. I was walking in disobedience to the Lord. I was lukewarm. I wasn’t listening to God. I as deceiving myself and self-sabotaging. God showed me so much grace.

August 2023 is where my life changed, for the better – even though it was painful. Heartbreak is the most painful thing I have experienced in my life so far. The grieving, the accepting of what was happening, the rollercoaster of emotions – anger, sadness, resentment, bitterness, rejection, depression, embarrassment, but God. He had to break my heart to save me.

I finally get to experience the true agapé love of Jesus. I have a joy that I cannot explain. I do have my days where I struggle, but that is part of the process. My heart posture towards Jesus has changed. I’m souled out for Him. I’m praying more, in my word, listening to sermons, ministering to women who are dealing with the exact same thing I am IN THE MIDST of my pain. God is showing me the reason for my pain. How can I minister to those in the valley when I have not been there myself?

God also gave me a Godly community that I can rely on, and I am so blessed!

Going into 2024, I am leaving behind this old, broken version of me. The lukewarm, people-pleasing, seeking love in the wrong places, angry type girl. Instead, I am going into 2024 healed and still healing while walking in my calling.

Jesus, I pray that you continue to soften my heart, continue to mold me into the Proverbs 31 woman who recognizes the authority she has in your Kingdom. I will no longer succumb to the tactics of the enemy.

2024, I’m ready!

-Lyh.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

– Jeremiah 29:11

Remember my previous blog, “A Journey of Love…”? Well, I’m back in the same position I was before I wrote it – heartbroken. However, this one is a bit different, a little harder to deal with because in reality, I broke my own heart.

I decided to take matters into my own hands because I wanted to be loved and in a relationship so bad. In doing so, I walked in disobedience to the Lord for a while. I was slipping away from the presence of the Lord, ignoring His voice, shutting Him out all because I wanted to experience love and companionship. Little did I know, what I was desiring, could only be found in the Lord.

I’m deciding to be vulnerable because there is victory in my vulnerability. On the outside I appear as if I have it all together, but internally it’s a different story. I’m broken. I’m dealing with anger, resentment, insecurities, rejection, abandonment. I want to take you all along with me on my healing journey.

But, this is all a part of the plans God has for my life. God had to break me all the way down just to build me back up. I’m receiving the healing I need as I share my pain with others. There might be someone, male or female, dealing with this exact same thing. I’m here to tell you that you are not alone. This is where God wanted me to because it is drawing me closer to Him.

“The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

– Psalm 34:18

I’m going on another journey to discover who I am in Christ, to fully trust Him in all areas of my life, to be healed from this pain, to discover the love of Jesus Christ, and forgive myself.

Will you go on this journey with me?

– Lyh

I love, love. For years, I have always wanted to be in a relationship. I would always search for love, but I was searching in the wrong places. How can I be in a relationship with someone and expect them to treat me with respect and love me, when I don’t even love myself? I dealt with low self-esteem and insecurities all throughout high school and the early years of college. Being in an unequally yoked, toxic relationship will cause so much damage to you and will cause trauma that will show up in many areas of your life. It took me 2 relationships to realize that I needed to go on a journey of self-love. I needed to discover who I was in God and work on myself in order to prepare for who God had for me.

The love I was looking for was found in Jesus. For 3 years, I was single. During that season, I was seeking healing and love through Jesus. I was content. I even started praying for my future husband. I thank God for allowing me to be in those relationships because it showed me what I did not want in a relationship and made me realize what I need, and also made me realize what love is not. God knows the plans He has for our life, but the enemy knows too. The enemy sent a decoy in my life to essentially destroy me and everything I worked towards. After talking to this person for a while, he showed his true colors. He was a narcissist, played mind games, would gaslight me, mentally and emotionally abused me. I even manipulated myself to become who he wanted me to be. I ignored all the red flags. God spoke to me in many ways; through random YouTube videos that showed up in my feed talking about decoys/distractions, other people who had no idea the situation I was going through, but prayed for me. However, I still managed to convince myself that this was love. I finally mustered up the courage to face the devil headfirst and walk away. My relationship with God was my saving grace.

Now I am in a healthy relationship where I get to experience true, genuine love. I get to be my authentic self.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.“

-1 Corinthians 13:4-8

My advice to any woman or young girl who is battling with identity issues, dealing with low self-esteem and seeking love in all the wrong places is to seek God. Ask God to remind you of who you are in Him and to love yourself first and foremost. You can’t love anyone else more than you love yourself.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made”

-Psalm 139:14

Whew! It has been soooo long since I last blogged and God has done so much in my life since then.

All I kept telling myself for these past 4 months is to just “press”. Press past the exhaustion, the sickness, the emotions, the pain, the not wanting to do it, the frustration, the adversity. God has been elevating me and it started in August when I started my new job. I am the Assistant Director of Admissions – Diversity Initiatives in the Office of Admissions at my alma mater. This is a career job. It was a huge adjustment for me at first, but I was ready to take on the challenge. Just to think when I graduated college, I had no idea what I was going to do, where I was going to work, BUT GOD! After being on the job for 2 months, I realized that this is my ministry. I have the opportunity to share my story and experiences with incoming students and their families. I get to be a voice for students and give them the resources that will be necessary for them to excel in college. God has strategically placed me in this position and my journey through college had prepared me for this moment. God had a plan all along.

Just like He said in His word in Jeremiah 29:11.

On top of work, modeling has also kicked off for me – doors have opened left and right. My name has been in rooms that I haven’t even stepped in yet. My brand is growing. This year alone, I have had 5 huge modeling opportunities. One including me being nominated to win the Petite Model of the Year by the Integrative Model Association – and I did win by the grace of God!

God is opening doors for me and expanding my territory.

I’m dedicated to blogging this upcoming year. I have so much to share.

Talk to you soon.

– LYH

As I was entering into my second semester of senior year, I knew it was crunch time. It was only a matter of months before graduation arrived. I was stressed already and the semester just started. I had so much on my mind – senior pictures, final grades, where was I going to work, what was life going to be like once I graduated. One thing I was afraid of once I graduated was the possibility of me falling back into a depression again like I did after my freshman year due to fear and uncertainty of what I was going to be doing next. I’ve been in school for the majority of my life. I was so used to structure, being disciplined and always having something to do. Now it was time to enter the real world.

Now that I have graduated, I’m free to do anything. I make my own routine and schedule for the day. I don’t have any classes to attend, homework to do, exams to study for, nothing. It’s my time and I get to use it how I want to. I have the free will to do anything. This is the point where fear, uncertainty, doubt and comparison settled in. I have no full time job considering I had no internship experience throughout my time in college. Compared to my sister who came to college after me, opportunities were already knocking at her door. She started in the Business Opportunity Program at Purdue and had an internship her freshman year and it turned into a full time offer once she graduated. She was set for the rest of her college term and after.

My college journey was different. Being a first-generation college student, I had no blueprint to follow. Instead, I created the blueprint for those who come after me. I am the one who is breaking the generational curses in my family and this is the first one I was determined to break. I started off my freshman year in pharmacy then I went to accounting, and I ended up in marketing. This transition lasted the duration of my college term which resulted in me not having any internships. Being very transparent, even though I have my BS in marketing, I still am unsure what it is I want to do. I went to college, of course to get a degree, but even more importantly, I had to discover who I was. I wanted to answer the question “Who is Aleyah?”. It took my entire college journey to answer that, and to be quite honest, I’m still answering it, but I have a better understanding of who I am and whose I am.

A pivotal moment during my time in college was after my freshman year. In the midst of my depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts, God found me. He chose me. I said, “Yes!”, to God. However, in saying “yes” to God, there came trials and tribulations I had to endure in order to make my relationship with Him stronger. There were times where I had to be comfortable with being alone. Moments where I had to solely rely on Jesus to provide, to heal, and to comfort. There were even times the enemy tried to take me back to where God had healed me from, but the devil is a liar. I’m still walking in my healing and my victory.

As of today, I still do not have that full time job. I have applied for jobs and interviewed for jobs, but I was rejected. The rejection I experienced only means God has something greater in store for me. I’m more involved with my church now that I am officially home. I’m starting a dance ministry, creating graphics for our church services and I am running our social media pages. I’m finding fulfillment in doing these things and that’s all I can ask for in this season of my life. I serve such an amazing God that He is still allowing me to do some self-discovery – even after college. He is revealing me to myself and areas in my life where I still need healing and deliverance from. I’m so happy to say that I am not the person I was 5 years ago when I went to college and I thank God for that! I’m still changing, discovering, healing and accepting. This is Me, and God is still writing my story!

“Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world” -1 John 4:4

Wow, it’s been a while. This time last year I was battling with myself on whether or not I should share my story. But, God said it was time, I couldn’t hold onto it anymore simply because it wasn’t mine to hold on to. If you haven’t already read my first blog, “This Is Me, This Is My Story“, please do. It’s a word for somebody.

I took some time off of blogging, honestly not sure why, writers block? I have a lot to share and God has done so much for me that I can’t even put it into words. My life has changed tremendously this past year. To start off, I became a member of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Incorporated. I gained 15 sisters! That within itself is a blessing. My mental health has improved and I have a better understanding of it and how to deal with it. I decided to make my mental health one of my top priorities. I discovered that I have been so hard on myself, constantly trying to please others and neglecting myself. More on that in one of my upcoming blogs.

My ministry has truly started – I’m finally walking BOLDLY in my purpose and who God has called me to be. I am embracing ME and the God within me. “Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world” – 1 John 4:4

My goal is to release a blog every month. I have so much to share about my journey in Christ and I want to be a voice for so many people! It’s time to share the good news, the gospel. God is doing so much in my life right now and He’s transforming me. I can’t wait to share it. Stay tuned!

-LYH

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” –Hebrews 12:11

Rejection is something everyone experiences. To be quite honest, it’s not the most pleasant thing to go through. It most definitely hurts, but there is a reason it happens to us. I’ve experienced rejection in various aspects of my life, but the one that hurts the most was being rejected in relationships. When you don’t know your worth, when you don’t know what you deserve, when you don’t know how valuable you are, when you don’t know what you have to offer, when you don’t know whose you are, you will SETTLE for anything.

For as long as I can remember, I have settled when it comes to relationships. I was insecure and I just wanted to be loved. So, I settled and allowed any boy who said I was “cute” or “pretty” to have access to me. I gave my all to this person I was in a relationship with, but in doing that, I ended up hurt. He ended up leaving my life and I had no idea why. I was being rejected left and right. After my “relationship” my freshman year of college and after experiencing heartache, pain, depression and brokenness, I came to the realization that God allows people in our lives for a reason and for a season. Being in that relationship was my turning point. It was the beginning of my testimony like I stated in my previous blog. Two years later, I was in another relationship that lasted a little bit longer than the first, but it was still unhealthy and the relationship didn’t work out in the end. However, throughout the relationship I was blinded and I ignored the red flags and I wasn’t letting go even though I was slowly slipping back into that depression. God forced that relationship to end, and I was once again being rejected. God was protecting me from something I could not see. I can’t seek love from someone else when I didn’t love myself. The love that I was seeking in a man, I needed to seek that love from God because His love endures forever.

“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces” – Matthew 7:6

In other words, do not waste good things on people who will not appreciate them.

Why does God allow rejection?

• Rejection is a wakeup call from God
• People who rejected you, dismissed you, neglected you actually did you a huge favor in life
• Being rejected allowed me to find my purpose, to find myself

Yes, rejection hurts, but not everyone is meant to be apart of your life. You are a gift and not everyone deserves it. You can’t allow too many people to have access to you. I was rejected by people who I gave my ALL to, but the only way God could protect me was to allow them to reject me. If I would have stayed in those relationships, I wouldn’t be the strong, independent woman I am today. REMEMBER, never cast your pearls before swine.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” – Jeremiah 29:11

This scripture is what I continue to live by. My story, my testimony is all designed by God. He trusted me enough to go through the storm, endure the pain, get the healing and deliverance I need so I can help other young women who are going through the same thing I went through. This is me. This is my story.

I am Aleyah. I am a first-generation college student currently attending Purdue University. The summer after my freshman year was the beginning of my story. I suffered from depression and anxiety. I lost my full ride scholarship due to my GPA being a 1.98 after my freshman year and I ended up on academic probation. I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t myself, I was completely broken. In the duration of my freshman year, I was involved with someone who took complete control over me. He manipulated me. He had this stronghold over me. Along with my depression came suicidal thoughts. Yes, I thought about committing suicide. I would be sitting at home by myself at times and I would hear this voice in my head saying, “Just do it, kill yourself.” I would cry myself to sleep every night because I was scared, I was hurt, and I felt like everyone and the world was against me. I felt alone. I felt as if I had no more control over my life. I would cry to my mom and say, “I’m just tired”. I did not necessarily want my life to end, I just wanted the pain to go away, I wanted that season of my life to be over, I wanted to be free, but taking my life was what the enemy convinced me was the thing to do. This boy had such a stronghold over me that I wanted to end my life, but I never actually attempted it. An idle mind is the devil’s playground. All summer, the devil would plant these toxic thoughts in my head and I would believe them. I fought, mentally, every day for my life.

Fast forward to today, there is no more bondage. There is no stronghold. I am a senior at Purdue University. I got my scholarship back after my freshman year and my GPA has increased every year since then. My journey through college: the failures, the success, the tears, the heartache and the pain … that’s my TESTIMONY. During that season of my life, I never gave up. I sought after God and His kingdom. I wanted to be healed and delivered from that spirit of anxiety, depression and suicide. The healing process was very long, but so worth it. I worked on my relationship with God and got closer to Him. Every Sunday I would go to the altar and scream as loud as I could, just to let every emotion out of me and it felt so good. The devil wanted me, and still does, to stay quiet, but I refused. One Sunday, I screamed so hard that my nose started to bleed. I never had a nose bleed in my life, but that nose bleed was a sign of deliverance.

I went to college and allowed a boy to take control over me. I put myself in situations that I was not comfortable in, but I liked him, and I wanted him to like me. I lost sight of who I was. This boy never wanted a title, he didn’t want a girlfriend, but he wanted someone to “vibe” with. He treated me as if I was a baby doll on a shelf; when he was bored and ready to play, he would talk to me.

THIS IS ME, THIS IS MY STORY. I learned to love myself. I learned that Jesus is within me and I am enough. A scripture I continue to repeat to myself is Psalms 139:14 “I am fearfully and wonderfully made”, and I like to add “LACKING NOTHING”. Jesus turned my test into my testimony. We all have a purpose in life. My purpose is to minister to other young women who struggle with loving themselves, who seek validation from men instead of Jesus, who are broken. I’m sharing my story, so you don’t have to go through the same thing I went through. Never settle, never lower your standards.