I love, love. For years, I have always wanted to be in a relationship. I would always search for love, but I was searching in the wrong places. How can I be in a relationship with someone and expect them to treat me with respect and love me, when I don’t even love myself? I dealt with low self-esteem and insecurities all throughout high school and the early years of college. Being in an unequally yoked, toxic relationship will cause so much damage to you and will cause trauma that will show up in many areas of your life. It took me 2 relationships to realize that I needed to go on a journey of self-love. I needed to discover who I was in God and work on myself in order to prepare for who God had for me.
The love I was looking for was found in Jesus. For 3 years, I was single. During that season, I was seeking healing and love through Jesus. I was content. I even started praying for my future husband. I thank God for allowing me to be in those relationships because it showed me what I did not want in a relationship and made me realize what I need, and also made me realize what love is not. God knows the plans He has for our life, but the enemy knows too. The enemy sent a decoy in my life to essentially destroy me and everything I worked towards. After talking to this person for a while, he showed his true colors. He was a narcissist, played mind games, would gaslight me, mentally and emotionally abused me. I even manipulated myself to become who he wanted me to be. I ignored all the red flags. God spoke to me in many ways; through random YouTube videos that showed up in my feed talking about decoys/distractions, other people who had no idea the situation I was going through, but prayed for me. However, I still managed to convince myself that this was love. I finally mustered up the courage to face the devil headfirst and walk away. My relationship with God was my saving grace.
Now I am in a healthy relationship where I get to experience true, genuine love. I get to be my authentic self.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.“
-1 Corinthians 13:4-8
My advice to any woman or young girl who is battling with identity issues, dealing with low self-esteem and seeking love in all the wrong places is to seek God. Ask God to remind you of who you are in Him and to love yourself first and foremost. You can’t love anyone else more than you love yourself.
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made”
-Psalm 139:14
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Thank you for writing this, I definitely needed to read it. It reminded me that I am not the only woman that has been through what I’ve had to go through in my journey.. it may not have been exactly the same but you showed that seeking God’s love and self love is possible. Loving myself is possible and no matter what, God will give me strength through all seasons as long as I live through him.
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Absolutely sis! You’re not alone. You have to love yourself FIRST before you can love someone else. Continue to seek God sis, He will lead you and guide you! ❤️
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